Might I recommend...a 'Slow Dating' Practice
Here's to fewer dates, less time swiping, but more connection...to self and to others.
In Martha Beck’s The Way of Integrity she writes:
“Psychological suffering always comes from internal splits between what your encultured mind believes and what feels deeply true to you.”
Culture has a lot to say about dating and relationships. How we should go about them, where we should meet people, when we should meet people, what those unions should look like, what traits matter most in a partner….the list goes on.
When we’re going about our (dating) lives based on what we think we should be doing versus what we actually want to be doing, what’s actually true for us, it makes us feel, well, awful. Not to mention, we connect with very few people we actually like and have zero motivation to date.
But this is counterintuitive, when from every angle we’re being pummeled with advice. Be it a TikTok video on anxious attachment styles, a dating expert imploring us to wait 13.5 dates before we sleep with someone, a podcast guest that claims to know just how to manifest your partner, or books that teaches us how to “not die alone.”
And we get lured in, naturally so, not just because all the advice and tips make us feel like we’re in “control,” but because we hunger for love. We’re wired for connection. We want to build a world and a life with someone.
Slow Dating is
about slowing down and reframing the process of dating to hear your own personal truths. And not just hear them, but use them as your key mode of navigation, thus making the process more ease-ful.
When we operate in alignment with those inner truths in our journey to fostering deep connection:
We have more energy
We’re more resilient
We build self trust
We connect more effortlessly with those we’re most meant to connect with
We foster the skills to build healthier, long-lasting partnerships
We start to see patterns in our process. Instead of being wracked with feelings of Where is this all going? What’s the point? I’m never going to meet someone, anyway. We’re more connected to the ebbs and flows of our own romantic journey.
Slow dating is based on a few core principles:
A slow dating practice doesn’t subscribe to the belief that more is better, meaning more apps, more swiping, more dates.
A slow dating practice finds tremendous wisdom in your desire to have a relationship but your resistance to date. That’s right, there’s wisdom in your resistance. (Read that one again.)
A slow dating practice sees going on dates as just one element — and honestly, not the most important — of pursuing fulfilling partnership.
A slow dating practice doesn’t just celebrate breaks but requires them, acknowledging that there are key seasons in life when rest (a season of going inward) works most in our favor towards the larger arch of partnership.
A slow dating practice can’t be phoned in. You can’t read an Instagram caption or watch a reel and reap all the benefits. This is an active practice. Active, but life giving.
A slow dating practice is rooted in small, incremental changes.
A slow dating practice celebrates the person who is going on fewer dates but keeping up a rigorous knitting practice, FaceTiming with their best friend each week and never missing their Sunday morning Pilates class.
A slow dating practice celebrates the person who limits themselves to one app, is working on building their side hustle interior design business (outside of their 9 to 5) and goes hiking with friends the first Saturday of every month.
A slow dating practice celebrates the person learning to read Tarot, who consistently honors their bedtime of 9 p.m. and recently worked up the courage to ask her coworker if she had anyone to set her up with.
Within a a Slow Dating practice, the following are wins:
Have a crush on the guy that serves up your coffee? Great. Terrified to say anything? Get it! Manage the next time you see him to ask how his weekend was? WIN.
Curious about your cousin’s friend you met at a wedding? Cool. Embarrassed to ask about their friend? Get it! Work up the courage to text them one evening but FREAKING OUT over their response? WIN.
Just rejoined Hinge after being off for years? Nice. Still terrified to open the app, swipe, even make conversation? I get it! Manage to swipe right on someone and tell them how much you like their ugly Christmas sweater photo? WIN.
There’s also a lot of popular dating advice that goes against the Slow Dating mentality, like:
More dates = greater likelihood of meeting someone
More dates = I’m more successful at dating (I’m doing it “right”)
Being on multiple apps ONLY because you think it’s going to up your chances of meeting someone
Bringing a manic energy to dating
Letting other priorities fall to the wayside because you’re so focused on dating
Slow Dating operates under the belief that when we are most deeply connected to ourselves — our own needs, our own desires, our own essence — we have the greatest capacity to get to know other people and explore potential connection.
But caring for ourselves is not something that can be phoned in. It’s not a mantra we can just read or a belief we can just adopt. It requires tangible and consistent action and effort.
Here’s what I mean by that:
Know you operate best when you limit drinking during the week and consistently read before bed versus doom scroll? Do that.
Know your body is best served when you’re going to Barry’s consistently but also eating more freely versus being super strict with your diet? Do that.
Know that you’ve got a situation-ship you should let go of or a deep resistance to dating? You gotta wade into that territory. Confront it.
I’ll leave you with a week in the life of a slow dating practice:
It’s Sunday morning and Angela is walking her dog Rocco and listening to one of her favorite podcasts. She’s meeting up with her core group of girlfriends in a few hours for brunch.
Friday night she went out for a second time with a guy she met on Bumble. She wasn’t feeling much after the first date but wanted to give it a second shot just to be sure. She’s figuring how to trust herself in the dating process and knows slowing things down really helps. After a second date she’s absolutely sure she’s not feeling something romantic with Craig.
She’s been working on not just letting things linger but really communicating how she feels, so at the end of her walk, before she steps inside her apartment building, she shoots him a text:
Hey there — it was really nice to see you again on Friday. I wanted to be honest with you and share that unfortunately, I’m not feeling something romantically. I wish you all the best, and I’m definitely going to check out that spot you recommended for tacos! Take care.
She hears nothing back from Craig. She assumes he’s bummed, and while it stings a bit, she knows it’s not her responsibility to carry that. She tells her friends about it at brunch so she’s not feeling so alone in her feelings.
Angela decides to take a breather from swiping this week and come back to it the following Monday. She’s got a lot she’s excited about this week — she’s doing a breathwork workshop with one of her favorite teachers, she’s taking Friday off (she’s got leftover PTO) and getting a hot stone massage and she wants to dedicate more time to reading Terri Cole’s latest book, it’s really helping her see a lot of her romantic patterns.
She knows if she gives herself the space and gets back to swiping next week, she’ll be in a much better state.
Work 1 on 1 to develop a slow dating practice.
Grab one of my courses to build your own slow dating practice.
xx Clara